*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
You Might Also Like
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one