*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
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That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
that colleague who touches your screen
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
