Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

when mom throws a party…

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

bad
worse
worst
worchester

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”