Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

She was rare, like a goth jogging

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.