Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.