*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
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*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
January has been Januweary
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.