5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
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Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
This one’s “Alex”.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.