5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
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Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus