Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

Bruh 😂

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.