5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
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I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I ain’t wearing no wire
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?