5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Always 🥴
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again