Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
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Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.