5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
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Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
#TopTip
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*