5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
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Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.