Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

Voting for coroner

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.