5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.