Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

Emma is smarter than all of us.

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…