5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.