5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
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They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I only treason on days ending in y
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Word.
~ Microsoft.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*