Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

Thaw me like one of your french fries

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.