5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
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Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…