5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Good advice.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.