5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
