5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
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The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
no cat here
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap