5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
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I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
🤣
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
another case of gang violins
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
British websites use biscuits.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.