5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
You Might Also Like
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Oceanography is all about current events
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
philosophical skeletons be like
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?