Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
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Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My brain is a bad influence on me
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.