5yo: I dropped my damn spoon!
Me: Don’t be using that word!
5yo: Is it a bad word?
Me: It is..
5yo: Ok..I dropped my damn “food scooper”?

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Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.


[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.


Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!

Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.


Answer: Marijuana

Question: Why am I sitting here on the couch eating ice cream with a fork, watching Telemundo and wearing one sock?


[First Day as a doctor]

Nurse: We need to draw some blood

Me: *Sweating* I forgot my crayons and drawing sheets

Patient: *fainted*


Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.


JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..


Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit


quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila


You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.