The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
😂💯
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why