Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
5yo: I dropped my damn spoon!
Me: Don’t be using that word!
5yo: Is it a bad word?
Me: It is..
5yo: Ok..I dropped my damn “food scooper”?
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[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!
Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.
Question: Why am I sitting here on the couch eating ice cream with a fork, watching Telemundo and wearing one sock?
[First Day as a doctor]
Nurse: We need to draw some blood
Me: *Sweating* I forgot my crayons and drawing sheets
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Wife: No reason.
Wife: Here, taste this.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.