5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
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The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
just having fun
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Good for him.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.