5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
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Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
very niche meme I made
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.