Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”