Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will