5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
You Might Also Like
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.