Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods