5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind