5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
🐶😂
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.