5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
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Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Breaking news:
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.