Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

OMG 🤣🤣

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

if I can survive this, I can survive anything