Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks