5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
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I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Finally! 😈
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Dumple
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?