Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again not all heroes wear capes

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.