Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.