5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
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It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
6: are snakes just neck?
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#Oscars
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*