Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

Your secret is safeish with me