Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

BRO LMFAO

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*