Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

I ain’t wearing no wire

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo