Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.