Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

British people

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

Just did a big green poo by a canal

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.