5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
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What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.