[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Autocorrect is my menesis
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Salad is the decaf of food.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care