Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

Möther may I have a snäck

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs