5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
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Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
uh oh
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???