5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
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[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA