Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

ㅤ

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”