Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

Who does Amazon think I am?

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

oh you wanna fight?!

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it