Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

Put a ring on it

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need