5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.