Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why