Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Good morning

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there