Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009: