5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.