5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
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Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
yeah 😭
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work