5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.