5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
You Might Also Like
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
WHO DID THIS?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’