5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Good morning
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.