Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.