Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

Goat cheese is for herders.

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.