Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.