Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

For those that worship cheese..

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

dril cadence

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.