5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
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Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If a snake ate a cake
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!