[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
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That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Noah was an idiot.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Well, this is awkward
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.