Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.