Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

Single and childfree like Jesus

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this