Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer