Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

Many hands make light work

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

Great Canadian literature.

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.