6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I used the label maker
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?
Fake Gnus
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
