Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

I’m sure it’s fine.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.