Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY